You told me that I would never write anything about missing you. I wanted to tell you so many things after we broke up, and I never had the chance to say them because I thought it wasn't welcome. So I will say them here.
During the time we were apart, I rarely laughed or smiled. But sometimes I would think about Prague and us playing around. I remembered how you used to say "Such a dumb cub." and I would attack you with kisses and vice versa. Even when I thought back on them when I was miserable, I will still able to giggle at those memories. They are one of my favorites.
When I was making your last package, I looked at my wall where I hung your flowers. I thought maybe I should give them back to you, it would be like me giving you flowers as an apology for everything. I realized I could never return to you anything you have ever given me, not even the Wehrpass although it would have been left here for my mother to do whatever with when I was gone. I cherish everything so dearly and could never part with anything, not even a large envelope you sent. I still have all of your boxes, and even your wrapping paper. I took all of your letters and cards, tied a ribbon around them and hid them on my door's ledge inside my closet.
In Moscow, I kept looking at the Finnish embassy's website in Russia and contemplated just going to you. The visa waiting times are naturally a lot shorter, usually a week. I wanted to go more than anything, and now I regret not going. You would have been worth all the trouble I would have been in.
I couldn't look at honey, not even the word, without feeling my heart plummet. Because of the song, it always now reminds me of you.
I still look at housewares, like dinnerware, things for the kitchen, etc and automatically think if we would have it. I was also in a toy store in Moscow and searched all over to see if they had a large stuffed lioness. Only lions. I do all of these things without realizing sometimes, but they make me feel better, that I still have you to live for, at least temporarily.
My mother wanted to take me back to those gardens I told you about. I was there a couple months ago, and I said I wished you were there with me, getting sunshine and looking at all the Roman Emperor statues. She wanted to go back recently, because the flowers are supposed to be at full bloom now, but I said I didn't want to. I would just get extremely depressed, because when I first went there, you were there with me in my mind. You're embedded into so many of my memories now, even if you weren't there. Those places all remind me of you and it's like you were by my side.
Sometimes I fantasized about you coming to me in the rain, and I got to give you a warm bath, make you soup, and take care of you. Whenever I covered myself with blankets at night, I always thought I was covering you, and keeping you warm and safe. Taking care of you was one of my favorite things to do, and I always want and need to do it because it came so naturally with you.